Waiting for the moments

They say that the moment you lay eyes on your baby, you feel a love like never before. As a first time Mum to be, this is one of the ‘moments’ that I look forward to. But will it all go exactly as I’ve been dreaming? Maybe yes, maybe no.

Amazingly, at nineteen weeks pregnant, it’s only been in the last couple of weeks that all these pregnancy ‘moments’ have started to seem real to me. Finally, I am able to look forward and see an actual baby at the end of the pregnancy tunnel.

I don’t know what I expected of pregnancy. I suppose it was the shiny, fantasy version that I’d been dreaming up my whole life. In that version, I imagined that right from the moment of conception, I would have some kind of instant bond with my poppy seed sized baby. I imagined that, every day, I would go shopping for baby things, start preparing the nursery, go mad cleaning and preparing the house for our little ones arrival. You know the drill.

But strangely, it’s all gone very differently. Where I thought I’d be hugging the toilet for the first trimester, in actual fact, I spent more of my time wondering what was wrong with me because I was feeling so well. Where I thought that feeling my baby’s first kicks would be the most natural feeling in the world, the truth is, occasionally, it’s prompted visions of an alien poking me from the inside. And don’t get me wrong, my real life version of pregnancy is suiting me just fine. In fact, it has been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s just been surprising, that’s all.

From the beginning, it did seem that other expectant mothers around me were speaking of an instant connection with their own poppy seeds. I, on the other hand, didn’t begin to truly bond with my baby until I felt those first sweet movements from within. Sure, at the 12 week scan I thought, ‘wow, cool’, but still, it didn’t seem real that the little squidgy thing on the screen was going to be a real life baby in 20 something weeks.

For those of you who are currently trying to conceive, or really just trying to figure out what on earth this whole pregnancy thing is—as I have been doing this whole time—you just need to know one thing. When you hear people say that every pregnancy is different, and every woman is different: believe them.

It took me a while to embrace this idea—we are pack animals, after all. We crave all that connects us. We crave a genuine belonging to our pack. But with pregnancy, I believe that we are somewhat on our own. I truly believe our minds and bodies react to the miracle that is pregnancy and welcoming a baby into the family very differently. Some people love every minute. Some people hate it all. Some people see everything clearly, right from the beginning. And some people take time to establish a rhythm.

So, if the ‘moments’ you are embracing are a little different than the shiny versions you’ve envisioned; you’ve got a friend in me. And if everything is going exactly as you’d imagined…well, you’ve got a friend in me too. Because at the end of the day, although we may all find ourselves on different paths, I figure we’re all heading to the same place. And where exactly is that you ask?

Somewhere over the rainbow, of course.

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