The vision is usually the same.
I walk into a child care centre with Baby C in my arms. In my vision, he is a chubby little one year old, with chunky legs and merry pink cheeks that bring out his bright blue eyes.
We are met by a smiley young lady who speaks to Baby C in a sing song voice. He smiles at her, and then looks to me with wide eyes as if to say, is she okay, Mum? I hand Baby C over to her. I let go of him, slowly, hesitating as if I’m placing a china tea set down on a glass table. He looks the kind stranger up and down before looking at me, with fear in his eyes. Then I turn and walk away.
So, that’s it. I play this scenario in my mind over and over and, like a broken record, it jars and repeats in the same spot. Right at the moment where I walk away from my precious baby.
In case you hadn’t guessed by now, this is me trying to prepare for the inevitable. In six months’ time, I will need to go back to work. Which is great and really exciting. If I forget all about my beautiful little boy and his sweet, china doll face.
When I became pregnant, something changed deep inside me. At risk of sounding like a free loving hippy, I became more aware of my inner cave woman. I started to realise just how animalistic us human beings really are. As soon as Baby C was born, I found myself listening very carefully to my instincts. As a result, I think I’ve managed many a tricky situation with very little heartache for both myself and little Baby C.
In going back to work, for the first time since I became a Mother, I will need to ignore my inner cave woman. When she tells me to stay and comfort my crying baby, I will need to walk away. And I know it will only be for a couple of days a week. I know I need to chill. But it is a lot harder than I had expected it would be. And this is only me THINKING about it.
So, now is the time for me to fill my cup up to the half full point. I need to think about the benefits of this scenario. And I know there will be many. For the next 6 months, I will try to fill my mind with images of my beautiful bouncing baby looking forward to his days away from Mummy. It does fill my heart with warmth to think of him playing and laughing at funny little friends.
Mummy just wishes that she was going to be one of them.